This year has been the hardest year of my life! I have been devastated many times and didn't deal well with it, so I had to take a really hard look at myself and be brutal about the things I don't like and want to change. Unfortunately, I have to look at why I am the way I am, so that I can change negative feelings/perceptions in order to change the things I don't like. I feel you have to know the why, in order to change the what. I now know the why's and am working on diffusing and changing the negative feelings that came with the why. Everyone makes mistakes that affect other people for the positive or the negative, that is not placing blame, just stating a truth. I know that I have hurt many people with many of my weaknesses and I not only want to change my weaknesses, but take responsibility for them and for the hurt I caused. I have thought that I have apologized many times for causing pain to others but find no one can ever say sorry enough when real trauma has occurred. So to those who I have caused trauma and pain, I AM SO VERY SORRY! I am in trauma and am fighting to not respond with my trauma response. If any of you have ever sought out assistance from a professional, you may know what that is, if you haven't, it is what happens when there is a traumatic event that occurs and traumatizes you and you now suffer with post traumatic stress disorder and when something triggers a trauma feeling, you respond in a trauma response..